Various Happenstances of SethNovember 12, 2006Well, Homecoming came and went, and it was a glorious event. To rhyme there was not my intent. But now I could continue in that bent. Many friends were here, which pleased me to great extent. I got to see folks from my year, and younger folks, so I was quite content. Much game with four, that game from good lord sent. There are some times that I wonder if I should have moved to Boston, if not for the high rent. But when people visit here, it's just nonstop fun that will not relent. Because my attraction to Boston is the people, not the city, that's what I meant. And I'm glad when folks come here for Homecoming, I can offer them crash space so they don't have to sleep in a tent. I don't mean to vent, this rhyming threw me off scent, so now I've lent space to this ramble not worth a cent, I'll repent, and get on with the show when I next indent.* Anyway, as usual, I wrote and read the Halftime Show. My first draft had a section with an eel and a squid falling and love, including many bad puns. That was nixed, and what I read is the following: 2006 Piratey Homecoming Halftime ShowLadies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, hermaphrodites and mennonites, kids of all ages and lovers of pages, landlubbers and film-dubbers, curvey wenches and players on benches, Enron execs and fans of T-Rex, spreaders of cheer and drinkers of beer, entomologists and scientologists, Demagogues, Candy hogs, Psychatogs, and scurvy dogs, Welcome, to the 2006 Homecoming Halftime Extravaganza. Featuring the Ramblin', Scramblin', rope-jumpin', bilge-pumpin', shanty-singin', cutlass-swingin', jig-dancin', wench-romancin', never-beaten', lime-eatin', Wesleyan-defeatin' Mucho Macho Moocow Military Precision Regimental Marching Band and Pirate Crew, featuring "Cap'n" Katy Dieber, Sunmi "Skipper" Yang, and Chris "two hooks" Caproni. It was a good day for the crew of the Flying Ephman, as their ship set off for adventure upon the middle seas. They tried the high seas, but they had no sopranos. The band had given up strenuous pirate activities like pillaging and plundering last month, in favor of less physically demanding pirate activities like sharing music. Their cannons and spyglasses were all connected in a line to create a series of tubes for exchanging the music, but it only went in one direction because the tubes were all straight. Finally, Cap'n Dieber decided to pay 1.65 billion doubloons for a U-shaped tube. The series of tubes was complete, and thus, like magic, the Pirate InterNets were formed. **The band, in their magical U-tube formation, will play U-ie U-ie. The series of tubes let the pirates share shantys, and they sang songs all day long until nobody could rhyme with orange. Then it was time for rum and chocolate, but someone had stolen all of their chocolate! Unlike filesharing, this was an actual crime. After a brief investigation, it was revealed that the chocolate disappeared soon after a visit from the evil pirate Wesley-Ann. Wesley-ann had no parrot upon his shoulder, just a small cardinal. Every pirate knows if you can't have a parrot, you should at least have a Sparrow, savvy? Wesley-Ann and the cardinal had to be stopped. The pirate band consulted their instruments, and the Sousaphone informed them that Wesley-Ann had taken the chocolate to the Carob Coast, where real chocolate is in short supply. It would be an Arrrrrrr-duous journey, with Avast! expanse of sea ahead of them, but the band knew that the chocolate had to be rescued. At last, they arrived at the Carob Coast, and prepared to reclaim their choco-loot from the evil Carob pirates. **The band, in their stolen chocolate on a pirate ship formation, will now play the theme from "Pirates of the Carob Bean" The battle raged for days, a cacaphonous clash of weapons, as swords of steel meet swords of bop. Destruction was everywhere, with storehouses burned, and bicycles thrown down hills. The Carob pirates attempted to make a last stand in front of a heavily guarded warehouse, but the crew of the Flying Ephmen would not be denied. Two Hooks Caproni leapt atop the ship's biggest cannon, and aimed it at the rogue pirates of Wesley-Ann. With a song in his heart and a cannon between his legs, he fired. **The band, in their cannon formation, will now play "Peter Gunn" The blast from the cannon scattered the Carob pirates, and completely obliterated Wesley-Ann and his cowardly cardinal. The band stormed the warehouse, where they found all of their stolen chocolate as well as a mysterious giant pumpkin. Now the band had food and the Internet, as well as Mark Hopkins and a log, which is everything that anyone could possibly want to live out the pirate dream in the land of glorious splendor known only as: The Mountains. **Band plays Mountains.
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*I don't
actually have anything to say here, but if I don't put a footnote
here now, it'll be more of a pain to make a footnote next time.
Yes, I hand-code all these pages by copying from the previous entry.
I am the Internet-addicted Luddite. Fear me!** **Or don't fear me, and just point and laugh. You'll be in fine company. People who don't use computers mock my addiction, and people who do use computers mock my failure to have RSS feeds and automated spaghetti. ***Automated Spaghetti would be a good name for a rock band. All work on these pages is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |