The Pun Also Rises

"Harry Potter and the Anagrams of Doom"

   Note: The only spoiler in this column is about the very first Harry Potter book. If you haven't read it during the past ten years it's been available, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

    Harry Potter found himself in NORTH ADAMS, a magical land where many a SHAMAN TROD over DORMANT ASH. We get wizards wandering through here all the time in their RANDOM HATS, so frequently that some of the locals just call them NOMAD TRASH.

    Okay, I'm stealing this technique from JOANNE K ROWLING, who is going to have to LEARN JOKING NOW. I just hope she doesn't have me killed (please, NO NINJA LEGWORK). Her first book showed that "TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE" was an anagram of "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT". So as THE RISING PUN, I am now giving you some SUPER HINTING about this column.

    Harry Potter had once found the Sorcerer's Stone and the GOBLET OF FIRE, but now FORGOT BELIEF, and quested only for mundane items like some FOOL BEER GIFT. His current quest was to renew his DRIVERS LICENSE, so he didn't have to commit CLEVER RIDE SINS every time he got behind the wheel. He was sick of having Hermione drive him around.

    Actually, thought Harry, she was probably sick of it too. HERMIONE GRANGER wasn't his chauffeur, and asking her to keep acting like it would just end up ENRAGING HER MORE. Every time he wanted to drink in Williamstown, she'd say, "ORANGE HERRING, ME?" She didn't drink much, and wanted to avoid the bar ever since she'd been hit on by the big guy she referred to as a MEAN HERRING OGRE.

    Still, Harry knew he could count on Hermione and Ron to back him up. When he asked RONALD WEASLEY for support, Ron always ANSWERED LOYAL. If Harry had legal troubles, Ron LOANED LAWYERS. Last year at the annual Nose Noise tournament, their team had been losing until Ron insisted, "WE REDO NASALLY!" Sure enough, they had ended up winning the NOSE YELL AWARD.

    Harry counted himself lucky to have such friends, and was about to go get them when he heard a voice behind him, "Going somewhere, Potter?" It was SEVERUS SNAPE, who generally had little to say but was always the cause of RAVE SUSPENSE. "Um, not really," replied Harry, "just getting my DRIVERS LICENSE as soon as I finish gathering the CINDER ELVES, SIR."

    "You'd best not be having a party, Potter," said SEVERUS SNAPE. "I'll have my RAVE SENSES UP, so you'd best stick to SPARSE VENUES."

    "The RMV is so sparse, it SAPS REVENUES. No party, honest!"

    "You are an irritating harpy, Potter," said Snape as he walked away.

    HARRY POTTER thought of a rude HARPY RETORT, but it stuck in his throat out of fear. Even a THROAT PRYER couldn't have made him insult Snape. He quickly found Hermione and Ron, and set out for the RMV.

    Although the woman at the desk was very friendly, Harry was still unhappy. "I need a CURRENT PASSPORT?", asked Harry in disbelief. "Don't they know wizards travel in TRANSPORTER CUPS?" (They go with flying saucers. I leave this explanation in because no PRO RETRACTS PUNS.)

    "I read you could renew your DRIVERS LICENSE online," said Ron.

    "The SCRIVENERS LIED," said Harry. "In some cases, you have to come in and get your picture taken for your SILVER SCREEN ID, which always looks so bad that people cry enough to have SILENCED RIVERS."

    "And if the SNIVELERS CRIED before," added Hermione, "they'll bawl when they have to provide their BIRTH CERTIFICATE and pay lots of money. And don't pretend you've already paid. People who do that find that THEIR BRIEF TACTIC doesn't work, and they need a CATCHIER TRITE FIB if they don't want to be caught."

    "What if I don't have one BIT CRAFTIER ETHIC?", asked Harry.

    RONALD WEASLEY looked meaningfully at Harry. "Look, YA LEARNED SLOW when it came to driving, so if you don't want to pay A WEENSY DOLLAR or two per month for the right to drive, then don't."

    "Fine," said Harry. "I've had enough of this SEDAN TRIPE. Even if I must face a PEDANT'S IRE, I'll find my own happiness AND RESPITE -- I'm going rely on my DEAR INSTEP and be a PEDESTRIAN."

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SETH BROWN is an award-winning humor writer who enjoys tasting NEW BROTHS, especially flavored with TOWN HERBS. His column appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on his website at www.RisingPun.com

   All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first.