The Pun Also Rises

"There Day Go"

    A recent James Bond movie may have told us that Tomorrow Never Dies, but I'm here to tell you that Yesterday Does, and Today Is Not Feeling At All Well. Seriously. Yesterday? Dead. Gone to us forever, never to exist again upon this earth. Anything we might have wanted from yesterday that we failed to get, it's now too late.

    "But why didn't I pay my bills and write that article instead of playing Grand Theft Auto?"

    There will be no answer; you can't shoot first and ask questions later. Yesterday is dead, dead, dead, as are your chances to have done something useful during it. And while this is true on any day, it's especially true today, because yesterday may never have even been born.

    Last year, as you know, February 28th was followed by February 29th. It may not have been the best day ever, it may not have fulfilled all your expectations for what a day in February ought to have been, but it was a day. And even if we don't agree with everything that happened on that day, I feel that it has a right to exist.

    Yet this year, February 29th was never born. You could even refer to it as an aborted day, if you wanted to get into a lot of arguments. We had February 28th, and then this potential space that went unfilled, and March 1st has leapt in to fill the gap. Like the potential accomplishments of a person, we will never know what could have happened on February 29th, 2005. It could have been the day that you won the lottery, the day that you bought the dog you'd have for the rest of your life, or the day you finally had sex on top of the washing machine -- without falling off.

    But that day never happened. And instead, we've got March 1st, which just isn't the same. That lottery ticket, that dog, that pair of dirty socks, none of it ever happened. A man in Arizona won the lotto, you didn't. You remain dog-less, but passed a woman on the street today who will buy a faithful cainine companion and dress it in tiny sweaters. And you're reading this column instead of having sex on top of the washing machine.

    We got a different day, with a different universe, and a different future. But days disappear all the time, and as previously mentioned, today is not feeling at all well. This is why Lewis Carol often ate peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches; he knew that jam today was extremely unlikely. Yes, today is fading fast, and it will soon be just one more deceased yesterday of tomorrow.

    And tomorrow, anything could happen.

    Who knows what mysteries the future holds? Maybe the Shadow know. Or maybe only gods. This would actually make sense, as most of our days are named after gods. Thursday is actually Thor's Day, for example, which is why I frequently will wish people a happy Thor's Day as they look blankly at me. Hopefully now that I've mentioned this, they will recognize that Thor's Day is in fact a weekly and not yearly holiday. And if you think that's the only day derived from Norse gods, I'm a Freyja might have missed some, although I Woden worry about it Tiw much.

    But to keep this discussion a bit more Loki, let's return to the mortal world. Even as today disappears, the future expands with infinite possibilities. Today is moving fast, and you can probably still catch some of it, but tomorrow remains untouched and awaits whatever plans you mold it to. So regardless of whether yesterday even existed or not, you should grasp the god of tomorrow by the horns. Carpe Diety.

    And above all... get off of my washing machine.

____________________

    Seth Brown is a local humor writer who wrote this column yesterday on a day that didn't exist. He appears frequently in the Washington Post's Style Invitational, infrequently in various other publications, and once in book form -- in his first book "Think You're The Only One?", published by Barnes & Noble. His Web site is www.RisingPun.com.