The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Hero Sandwich"I want to be a superhero. This should come as no surprise to you, even if you don't know me, because you probably want to be a superhero too. In fact, most people, at one time or another, have fantasized about having superpowers. I didn't realize this until a few years ago when a friend of mine wrote an essay about wanting to be Batman, and when I told her that I connected with it, she explained that most people connect with it, because most people want to be Batman. (Even if I'm the only one wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes today.) As superheroes go, Batman is one of the more attainable ones. True, he has millions of dollars and devoted his life to studying everything from magic to martial arts, but that's a point to which you could theoretically get, given enough time and dedication. You probably won't do it, and I certainly won't, but we could, and that's what matters. Most superheroes have more than just money, they have a superpower beyond the ability of mere mortals. This is what makes them super. Well, either that or the tights. My favorite TV show, currently between seasons, is Heroes. They don't call them Superheroes, probably because they wear regular clothes. But they do have superpowers, like teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, and television ratings (very useful when fighting their arch-nemesis Nielson). And most importantly, they have the two archetypical superpowers, flight and invisibility. I remember hearing an NPR show where they asked people to choose between those two powers, and people often seem to have a definite preference for one or the other. There's an argument to be made that invisibility is a great superpower for the immoral. Which is to say, flying could be lots of fun recreationally, and also practical for getting from place to place without dealing with car traffic or airport security. Invisibility, on the other hand, is a power that one can pretty much use only to do things that one is not supposed to do. You can sneak into places you shouldn't be, hear things you shouldn't hear, see things you shouldn't see, and so forth. If you've ever said, "I wish I could be invisible," you probably wanted to do something you shouldn't. I'd probably prefer flight to invisibility, because I get carsick easily, so it would be nice to have a good way to travel. If I could have any superpower (not including omnipotence, of couse), I'd probably take time control. Actually, I'd call it "chronomancy", so it would sound cooler. Time control sounds too much like a snooze alarm. Sadly, as we learn from Heroes, one doesn't get to choose their superpower. Some people are just born with a split personality that knows karate. Some people can just read minds. And some people can just fly. While the characters on the show aren't always happy about their superpowers, I think they should be. Almost all of them seem pretty useful. Given the way my life works, I'm sure if I randomly ended up with a superpower, it would probably be less useful. Perhaps I would have the ability to control mucus. Not only would I always have clear sinuses, and never need to blow my nose, but if someone had sneezed into a tissue, I could make the tissue walk itself to a trash can. (I've spent some time thinking about this, because anything's better than keeping up with the latest news about Paris Hilton.) Or maybe I would have "folication", the ability to grow hair at will. Trying out different beards and moustaches every day might be entertaining, but there would actually be some practical value as well. I could skip the few weeks of itchy half-beard, and go straight from clean-shaven to fully bearded. Instead of having to wash my hair, I could just cut it all off every night and grow a new haircut in the morning. I might even be able to rescue people as Folicle Man, because I'd essentially have a rope of infinite length at my disposal. But clearly I'd need a secret identity, because I'd always be on the run from the evil scientists at the Hair Club for Men, who would want to capture me, kill me, and obtain an exclusive patent to my DNA. Thankfully, for a man with infinite hair, there is no better place to live than North Adams. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |