The Pun Also Rises

"How (Not) To Get A Job"

    In today's job market, it's important to know what you're doing if you want to find employment. And some of you (especially those who know me) might be asking, "Seth, it took you forever to find a job, specifically because you are terrible at job-hunting. What possible advice are you qualified to offer?"

    Well, the answer to that is simple: I can tell you how not to get a job. It's as easy as following my example. If, however, you do want to get a job, you should take my life as a cautionary tale, and do the opposite of what I've done. This will speed you upon your road to success.

    Don't believe me? Well, let me tell you about an interview I had back when I was in college. I don't want to reveal the specific college in question, but it rhymes with Shmilliams. Anyway, I was applying for a job working at Shmilliams over the summer, and had set up an interview. I don't make a habit of planning to be early (cautionary point number one), so I began wandering over a few minutes before the interview was scheduled. On the way, I ran into a friend who said to mention his name, because it might help.

    I arrived at the building roughly one minute before my interview started. Unfortunately, the interview was on the fourth floor. With little time to spare, instead of waiting for the elevator, I sprinted up four flights of stairs. I should point out that normally I only sprint when being chased by some form of impending death, so this was quite unusual for me. By the time I reached the fourth floor, I was completely out of breath, and hyperventilating madly.

    I was also about to be late, so I immediately burst into the office where my interview was scheduled. In hindsight, this may not have been the ideal choice.

    "Hello," said the businesswoman who might determine whether or not I would get a job.

    "HOOOOOHUNHHHHHHHNHOOOOOHUNHHHHHHHN," I replied suavely.

    "Would you like a glass of water?", she asked?

    "HOOOOOHUNHHHHHHHNPLEASEHUNHHHHHHHN," I said, nodding eagerly.

    In spite of this inauspicious start, I was able to acquit myself once I had some water, and somehow made it to the next round of the interview. They sent me into a conference room where my potential boss asked me various questions about my qualifications. I was fairly well-qualified for the job, so the interview was going well, but I suddenly recalled running into my friend on the way over.

    Now, I'm not always a subtle person (cautionary point number two), to the point where some people call me Captain SuBtlety, and believe I should have a golden B emblazoned on my chest. So as soon as there was a lull in the questioning, I said, "Oh, [my friend] said I should mention his name because it might help me get a job."

    This might have gone unnoticed, but I followed it up by wriggling my fingers as if casting a spell on the interviewer, and repeated my friend's name.

    For years, that was my most embarrassing job application story. But that all changed last week when I applied for a freelance writing job. I sometimes find the task of emailing applications overwhelming, so one trick I use is to send myself emails with a motivating subject line that contain all the relevant information. That way, when I check my email later, I notice the message from myself, and everything I need to send the application is right there.

    I think this is a great method, but sometimes I forget to double-check the email before I send it (cautionary point number three). Last week I was sending out the email very late at night, so I somehow skipped the proofreading step. When I received a very brief reply the following day, I was horrified to realize that I had failed to double-check my subject line, and ended up just forwarding my self-motivational message on the actual application.

    Hence, it was no great surprise to me that I didn't get the job, given that the subject line of my email was, "DO THIS SOON, POOPHEAD".

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Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer who, miraculously, is employed. He still has that email in his inbox and still can't believe he didn't change the subject line. His column appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on his website at www.RisingPun.com

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