The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Ask Dr. Manners"How often has this happened to you: You're just sitting down to dinner, when you get a phone call from the President of Burundi, who invites you to a fancy dress ball because he thinks you have impeccable table manners. Never? Well, maybe you need some advice from an expert on manners. Now, the uninformed person (for example, the one sitting next to me as I write this) might not think I know very much about manners. But she's basing this assumption on a very small data point that consists of me finishing a bowl of rice pilaf with my hands. I tried to explain to her that in many cultures from Afghan to Zimbabwean, eating with your hands is good manners. So I wasn't being rude, I was being continental. Frankly, I don't think she appreciates people being continental. (Granted, this could have something to do with the fact that I was just singing "Diamonds are a girl's best friend", but changing the words to, "A punch in the face can be quite continental".) Also, I tend to burp at meals, but this is perfectly acceptable in India. So while some people would point to these two points as signs that I don't have good manners, I have two strong points of proof to the contrary. First of all, I have a degree as a Doctor of Mannerology. (D.M.) As I know from many emails I've gotten, you can get a university degree these days without ever having to take any courses. Since these degrees have no accreditation, I decided there was nothing stopping me from awarding me own. (If you would like to purchase a Doctor of Mannerology degree, feel free to email me.) Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I have a manners advice column in a respected newspaper. Obviously, they wouldn't let me do that unless I had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt my supreme knowledge in the field of mannerology. So, now that we've established my expertise in dining ettiquette, let's move on to the letters:
Dear Mr. Manners, Our son is adopted, but he doesn't know that. We're taking him out to dinner for his 16th birthday. I was considering ordering a cake that says, "Happy 16th Birthday! You're Adopted!" Would this be appropriate at a Chinese restaurant? --Anxious in Adams
Dear Anxious, First of all, it's "Dr. Manners". I didn't get my Doctorate in Mannerology for nothing. That being said, you shouldn't order cake in a Chinese restaurant. Much better to have a more traditional chinese dessert, like crab rangoon. Besides, a birthday cake isn't necessarily the best way to convey a big message. That's definitely what the French would call a "faux pas" (or literally, "Not the daddy"). You might try a more sensitive tactic like saying, "Everyone who isn't adopted raise their hands... not so fast there, son."
Dear Dr. Manners, Due to a childhood with too much free time, I have mastered the use of prehensile toes to the point where I can eat with my feet. Is it acceptable to do this at restaurants? --Footloose in Florida Only if they're serving filet of sole.
Dear Dr. Manners, I was at dinner with my boyfriend last week and he ordered a steak for himself and a salad for me because he says I'm too fat. When he gets up to use the bathroom, should I steal food from his plate with the big fork or the little fork? --Hungry in Hanover Your question is a complex one. Normally, with steak, one uses whichever fork you used to stir your wine. In this case, however, you should use the longest fork available, to avoid disturbing the other diners by stretching too far over the table. You'll want to save the dinner fork until your boyfriend returns to the table. Grasp the fork lightly but firmly between your thumb and forefinger, and gently poke at his side. When he inquires, explain that his brain is defective, so you are checking to see if other parts are still good. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |