The Pun Also Rises

"News You Can't Use"

    So the other day I was reading the newspaper, and found it a little bit depressing. Troops keep dying in a war we've won, the president vows to veto resolutions against torture while claiming we don't torture, and music CDs direct from the factory are putting viruses on our computer. (I wish you and I didn't have to share one computer, but money is tight.)

    Given news like this, it should be no surprise that people sometimes write in to the newspaper and say "Stop printing depressing things, run something uplifting for once." But as soon as the newspaper complies by writing a story about a local boy who loves Christas and gives presents to random strangers, readers will write in and complain that the newspaper runs too much uplifting fluff, and needs more "hard news", which is code for depressing stories. This is why people who can't deal with stress shouldn't be newspaper editors.

    I think the reason I find the newspaper depressing is because it doesn't have enough of the type of stories I want to see. I want crazy news. I don't need national news; enough other people watch that. It's not like some world-changing event is going to happen and nobody will tell me.

    Anyway, there was this recent story from either East Berlin or West Berlin about a dog who saved three Germans from a burning building, but then burnt to death in the fire. That's the kind of story I like to read. You may ask why I don't just go to Jack's if I like hot dogs, but it's not about that. I like the story because it illustrates a fundamental difference between cats and dogs.

    Dogs are loyal. Fiercely loyal. Dogs will gladly follow you anywhere in your house all while eagerly wagging their tails and looking up at you with puppy dog eyes, pull a sled for you through miles of snow, run for days to bring you a flask of brandy, or rescue you from a burning building -- even if that means not surviving. It's no wonder that dogs have the nickname of "Man's Best Friend".

    Cats, on the other hand, are more like "Man's Acquaintence Who Hangs Around When They Feel Like It If They Think You'll Do What They Want". (If that nickname is too long, you can call them "Women".) (But only if you don't mind killing your chances of ever dating again.) Cats will gladly ignore you anywhere in your house, walk on your head to stay out of snow, and would never, ever, ever rescue you from a burning building and then stay inside to die. A cat would simply jump to safety, and if time allowed, might first try to warn a few cans of tuna fish. (Actually, in this way they're really more like men.)

    I think cats are clearly smarter than dogs, albeit still probably not smart enough to take the SATs. Even though C is sometimes pronounced as an S, it is not in the word "cat", so taking the CATs would be different. Nonetheless, if a cat did take the SATs, that would also be the type of story I'd like to read about in the paper. Here are some other headlines I'd like to see:

*Elephant Takes SATs

*Penguin Takes SATs

*Giant Sandwich Eats Local Man

*Mayor Barrett To Perform Freestyle Rap

*Duck Takes SATs

    I think you'll agree that those stories would be more fun to read than what's usually in the paper. So I urge you to write letters to the editor and demand stories of that calibur. Just don't get discouraged; even if you do write in, it's doubtful we'll see the above headlines in the paper anytime soon. This is partially because North Adams has responsible sandwich shops, and partially because Mayor Barrett hasn't done any freestyle rapping since 2001. But the biggest reason, alas, is the powerful public sentiment against animal testing.

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    Seth Brown is a local humor writer who sleeps on a corduroy pillow because he craves better headlines. His website is www.RisingPun.com.