The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Phoney Baloney"Some people call me the Rising Pun. Most people just call me Seth. But the people I hate are the ones who call me in the morning. Before noon o'clock, I tend to be asleep, and consequently am very unhappy when my reverie is broken by the shrill chirp of the phone. Or by the shrill chirp of a shrill chirpy bird. Or the shrill chirp of Hillary Clinton. Really, any shrill chirps at all. Especially phone calls, though. The call that wakes me always miraculously manages to interrupt my good dream just before I can enjoy my unearned rewards. A sumptuous banquet in my honor is laid out in front of me, and just as I have filled my plate with steak-fried lobster and before I can take a bite, the phone rings. "How odd," I think, "that the King of England in the 17th century should have a telephone at his banquet table. (And I'm surprised he gave me this feast when I don't even know his name.)" It's not just that I automatically hate anyone calling me in the morning. I do. But it's also the people I hate that call in the morning. My friends and relatives know better. But Ted from MCI does not. Let me assure all telemarketers reading this that if you call me in the morning, I will not buy your product. Even if it's on sale. I will also not donate to whatever wonderful cause you are collecting for, even if my four dollar pledge will save a three-handed boy in Kreplachistan and buy a new helicopter for the local flood brigade. I suppose nobody really enjoys getting calls from telemarketers. When I think about it though, I don't enjoy talking on the phone at all, even with people I like. Sometimes I feel that if you can't see someone's face contort in pain at a bad joke you make, there's no point in talking to them. Well, that's not true. I enjoy causing people pain even over the phone. It's not out of sadism, it's out of a sense of fairness. By calling me on the phone, they have de-proved my day. It is my duty, in the name of justice, to return the favor. The best way to do this is to spell out a random collection of letters, such as an email address. This is extremely fair, as it frustrates everyone in the conversation. Half of the letters in the English language sound exactly the same over the phone, so it can be very frustrating to say, "Rising Pun. R - I - S - I - N - G - P -- no, not B, P. No, not D, P." If I had to repeat P any more, I'd go into the urology business. One day, I decided that if I was going to be misunderstood, I may as well enjoy myself while I'm at it. Now I tell people, "P. No, not B, P, like in pneumonia. Yes, just after the G, like in gnome." One day I'm going to get even more cruel and just make myself completely incomprehensible. "Yes, that's C as in cat, B as in bat, V as in vat, P as in pat..." People don't seem to appreciate this, and tell me that I should use the standard military letters. I was never in the military, so I don't know what that is. (If you were in the military, though, to you I say "Bravo, Victor!" Presuming your name is Victor. Or that you won.) I just don't understand why people who weren't in the military are so eager to use military culture. It's not just letters, it's time. Thankfully, converting regular time to military time isn't very difficult. If the regular time would be 6pm, then the military time would be "6:00 PM SIR!" Military life isn't easy. The stress, the guns, especially the uniforms... even thinking about it gets me fatigued. Which reminds me, I've got to get to sleep. I understand the Emperor of Japan is holding a feast in my honor. Just don't call me on that. Or preferably, at all. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |