The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Harry Potter and the Secret Spoilers"I should preface this column with a note about spoilers. A spoiler is either a) A broiler chicken made entirely out of Spam, b) Any game the Red Sox lose, c) A turkey and mayo sandwich left out in the sun for a day, or d) a piece of information that will ruin a book or movie for you by revealing plot before you've gotten to it. This column contains references to all four of the above, so if you are afraid of any of them, you can now avert your eyes in a cowardly manner and go read about lighter matters like indictments and riots instead. Do you live away from the world in a cave on the non-existent planet Moop? No? Then you're probably familiar with Harry Potter, even if you didn't intend to be. With the recent publication of book 6 of the series, and the 4th movie coming out this month, Harry Potter is well-nigh ubiquitous, even moreso than depressed Red Sox fans. This series of children's books has catapulted to a ridiculous level of fame which is probably undeserved -- and I'm ashamed to admit that I'm part of the problem. Yes, in spite of the fact that the series pales in comparison to other young-kid-at-a-training-school fantasy novels like Ender's Game, I have seen every movie and read every book so far in the Harry Potter series, including book 6: "Harry Potter and the Incredibly Lucrative Franchise". I hurried to read through it as fast as possible, mainly because of my friends. Some of them, back when the book came out, were sharing little essays they'd written on the topic with titles like, "Harry Potter and the Extremely Dead Wizard Whom We Expect To Reappear In Book Seven". What you have to understand about these essays is that if I'd read them all before reading the book, there'd be no point to actually reading the book. For example, I've never seen the movie "The Sixth Sense". And I may never bother, because I already know the big mystery. Same thing with "The Crying Game". Thankfully, I saw "The Usual Suspects" before learning the secret ending. But when people go around saying, "Crippled ghost man! Crippled ghost man!", if you don't want your books and movies spoiled, you've got to act fast. (In fact, if you've just read this paragraph, you're too late.) Anyway, the point is, I've read the Harry Potter books, and while I didn't think they were particularly spectacular, they were pleasant enough and fairly entertaining. But some people really hate the book, and find it more revolting than a chicken made entirely out of Spam. And by "some people", I mean the Catholic Church. The charge has been made that Harry Potter induces children to witchcraft. Now to nobody's surprise, most of these charges come from Christianity's extreme fundamentalist branch (motto: "We put the 'fun' in 'fundamentalist'. Also, the 'mental'.") And from them, you expect accusations that Harry Potter encourages children to follow Satan and levitate their parents. However, it's no longer just the fringe against Harry Potter. Pope Benedict (formerly Cardinal Ratzinger (formerly Little Joey Rat-Rat)) has publicly declaimed the Harry Potter series as "undermining the soul of Christianity". Yet it seems to be just a harmless children's fantasy book. So why does even the pope find Potter more distasteful than a rancid turkey and mayo sandwich? Glad you asked. J.K. Rowling's books have achieved worldwide fame. Tales of unbelievable events, mystical powers, and heroic battles, translated into many languages, and being given to children by their parents to read. Does that remind you of another book that Joey Rat-edict might like better? I think the Pope doesn't really think reading Harry Potter will hurt your soul, he's just afraid of the bible losing out to a similar best-seller. If that's the case, I say he should stop complaining and do something pro-active. Start re-packaging the bible as a series, and give it new catchy titles, like "Adam Potter and the Tree of Secrets", "Jacob Potter and the Prisoner of Caravan", and "Lot Potter and the Goblet of Salt". Instead of complaining, Pope Benedict needs to deflect the attacks from this wizarding franchise with fire of his own. In other words, he has to parry hotter. ________________
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