The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Not Even Remotely Useful"I didn't intend to get a television. I'd been without a television for roughly five years, and haven't once wanted to buy one. I was offered a free TV multiple times (sometimes even by different people), and turned them all down. I had no desire to own a television. Or more accurately, I had no desire to have a television own me. Because that's what happens when a television is in the house: It takes control. I remember trying to organize my evening plans around watching the Daily Show at 11 o'clock. This made hanging out with my friends more difficult, especially since one of them had a show she watched every night at 9 o'clock. If you wanted to get five people together for a party, you'd have to schedule it for the half-hour where nobody had a show they wanted to watch. And it would still be a bust, because everyone's always 15 minutes late, and the people that don't immediately leave keep checking their watch saying, "I don't want to miss my show." Like the prohibitionists, it's not much of a party. So I'm not a big fan of the TV. I should make clear that my lack of a television for the past five years has not been a moral statement to prove that I'm somehow virtuous. I assure you, I am not. If Plato had met me, he'd never have written the Republic; he'd just have produced a virtue pamphlet called "Don't Be Like Seth". I still squander my evenings in front of a glowing technological box, but mine is hooked up to the Internet so I can explore giant dungeons. Anyone who thinks television is the lowest form of electronic entertainment hasn't spent enough time around online message boards. I agree with Fred Allen, who called television "a medium that's rarely well done". I think much of television is junk, but become easily addicted to shows that combine humor and truth (the Daily Show), or shows that combine humor and drama (the Riches), or shows that combine superpowers with awesome (Heroes). I watched them at friends' houses. But superheroes are dangerous. I know this because five years ago, I was attacked by television superheroes. A friend and I were looking around the house we were going to rent, chatting about various advantages (a living room larger than a giant dungeon) and disadvantages (more mold than a giant dungeon). We came across a room with a TV that the landlady had left, and began flipping through channels. "Hey, it still gets cable!" Those were the last words spoken for seven minutes. We had turned the channel to a show about superheroes, and suddenly all conversation had ceased. Rather than continue to explore the house, talk with each other, or even sit down, we stood transfixed. We had been completely and utterly entranced by the television, rendered mute and powerless until the spell was temporarily broken seven minutes later by a commercial break. We blinked and turned to look at each other, suddenly noticing a world outside of the glowing screen we had been standing in front of. That was when I realized TV was too powerful for me, because it had superpowers far beyond my mortal means. I shut it off, vowing not to own a television again. That was five years ago. But last month, a friend of mine moved away, leaving me a gaming system and attached TV. I can't pass up the chance to explore giant dungeons, so I took them. I hadn't hooked them up until this week, because when it comes to hooking up your television, there are two general rules of thumb. First, don't stick your thumb in the socket. And second, if you aren't good at dealing with lots of wires, date someone who is. Today, the long battle is finally over, and I have lost. My boobyprize -- or perhaps more accurately, boobtube prize -- is a television. It sits downstairs, waiting to taunt me. But I have a secret that will allow me to remain victorious: I have no cable and no reception. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |