The Pun Also Rises

"'Twas The Night..."

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town
Not a creature was stirring, except for Seth Brown.
(I'm nocturnal, you see, so I'm up late at night,
And I still had this column I needed to write.)

I had choices to make: Should I write random humor,
Or maybe give birth to a new vicious rumor,
Or just share the problems my stove can inspire
When I try to cook things and set them on fire?

But then in my mind there arose such commotion,
I sprang from my seat, now imbued with this notion,
"I know what to write! Why, it's simple to see,
I should toss off a quick 'Twas the Night' parody."

Since the dawn of time, in every holiday season,
All writers have done this, without a good reason.
They'll take this same poem, this pre-Christmas schlock,
And re-word it to find local issues to mock.

Sure enough, I looked into the town hall, and whom
Did I see? City council's own president, Bloom.
He looked up from his desk, and he gave a great laugh,
"Ho Ho Ho! Let's get voting, the whole council staff!"

"Now, Billings! Now, Boucher! Now Moulton and Marden!
On, Alcombright! On, Cariddi, and on Harpin!
To the desks where on each issue we make our call!
Now vote away! Vote away! Vote away all!"

And they ran to the desks, where discussion was heard
About what kinds of public goods would be preferred.
There's a limited budget, and so much to do,
So they pondered and argued, but nobody knew.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the street,
"Man, if we had a theatre, that sure would be neat."
"Was the Mohawk not once a good theatre we had?
It's been closed since the time of my dad's dad's dad's dad."

They say they'll resurrect it, a plan's in the works,
With accountants, and workmen, and budgets, and clerks,
But today it's still empty, no movies are showing,
It's just a good place to stay dry when it's snowing.

Too many, our town icons that disappear,
When the Bean's now a has-Bean, and no longer here.
Sprague had left long ago. Main Street has shops, but still,
Even First Fridays seem to be sickly and ill.

When the Marts, Wal- and K-, all come into our town,
It means more local shops will soon be closing down,
Until they leave themselves, and leave naught but a husk;
Where we sought a new dawn, we'll get nothing but dusk.

So what else do the councilmen like to propose?
Back in summer, to regulate people's windows.
There were laws planned prohibiting nude art display,
But then good sense prevailed, and those plans went away.

Still there's always another good fight down the pipe,
Sometimes literally, where the most recent hype
Is a small sewer line, down around West Shaft Road,
Where all parties believed that some payment is owed.

First to speak was the developer Michael Deep,
Who had said that the Mayor's promise he didn't keep.
But then swiftly responding was Mayor John Barrett,
Who said that the right thing to do was to share it.

He spoke many words, and went straight to his task,
With some papers he filed which basically asked
That the sewer in question the city retain.
Thus the pipe was acquired through eminent domain.

So one battle is finished, while others still rage,
But too many to fit onto just this one page.
Meanwhile, Barrett and Bloom, as you might well expect,
Said, "Good Christmas to all! And... um... please re-elect."

____________________

    Seth Brown is a local humor writer who likes subordinate Clauses that bring him gifts. His website is www.RisingPun.com.