Did some writing for a freelance client who said he’s been a creative director hiring writers for 20 years, and I’m the best writer he has ever worked with. So that was a pretty nice compliment to hear. It occurs to me that I could re-do my whole website to be more business focused, but so far I don’t wanna. Still, probably worth mentioning that I am for hire as a high-end freelance writer if you need any content made more appealing to an audience.

It also occurred to me last week that it was 20 years ago that I got my first joke printed in the Washington Post’s Style Invitational. The contest was to write a joke that telegraphed the punchline. My entry was something along the lines of:

Samuel Morse’s wife Dorothy asks him, “Do you have any advice for my upcoming 200-meter sprint?” And he replies

I think that joke still holds up, 20 years later. Meanwhile, if you’d like some newer jokes from me, my latest column is about the encroachment of advertisements, and will especially appeal to older folks* who remember the comedy of Bob&Ray, or folks of any age who listen to podcasts.

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* I suppose it’s possible some younger people than me enjoy the comedy of Bob&Ray, but I am unaware of any. If you are one though, kudos on your excellent taste that transcends your chronological limitations!

I realized this evening as I was submitting my column for Monday that my newspaper column tells people to visit my website, and my website mainly has links to my columns. This may or may not be ridiculous, but there’s not a ton else to share. I haven’t really been doing much out in the world since the pandemic hit, and although my Zoom comedy shows went surprisingly well, I don’t have any more booked at current. I’ve been writing a daily poem for National Poetry Month, but not publishing them publicly because I hope to one day place some of them in literary magazines.*

I have been doing a lot of writing, but most of it’s ghostwriting that I’m not allowed to reveal my connection to. I can reveal that yesterday morning I got to experience a chainsaw serenade just a few hours after I got to sleep, a live concert that lasted for hours that I simply couldn’t miss.** But in terms of cool things to link you to… well, some of you might still not have seen one of the coolest projects I was ever hired to write for, so just in case, here’s the Bitcoin Rap Battle in all its glory.

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* I mean, I guess I could just print them all out, grab a literary magazine I have lying around, and jam them in between the pages, but it’s not quite the same.

** I really wanted to go back to sleep and miss it, but I simply couldn’t.

“I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do, don’t you? ‘Course you do…”

Well, I finally shaved my beard, so it must be spring. At least technically, even though in reality I have no idea how time works anymore. People are finally starting to get their vaccines, which is nice because COVID has made most holidays less exciting. It’d be nice to have a summer BBQ party with friends again, although at this point it’s even odds I’ll just stay home by myself and eat cheese.*

Meanwhilst, I haven’t really played any board games lately, but I’ve been surprisingly busy freelancing, working on some very interesting projects. Don’t worry, I’m not giving anyone financial advice with my complete lack of expertise, just helping people who know more than I do to share their ideas. I recently did my first Zoom comedy show, with my second slated for Thursday, so that’s been a new experience. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would**, but I’ll still be glad when open mics are safe again.

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* Life is gouda.

** A low bar, given that I would rather eat a handful of bugs than sit through an hour-long zoom meeting.***

*** Itself a low bar, since I actually like fried crickets

I don’t necessarily know a lot, but I know myself. Which is how I knew even though I was hyped for a Better New Year in 2021, and told myself I’d get out and walk every day, it turns out I was just celebrating Internal Halloween. The proof is now in the pudding, which I am eating inside instead of walking about in weather with a windchill below zero. Fahrenheit*.

In spite of a busy month, I’ve found time for the occasional game**, but between not getting out to see friends or attend poetry/comedy mics, the past year basically felt like a tread water where I didn’t accomplish much. Then again, as I recently told a friend, I did accomplish neither catching nor spreading COVID-19 so far, which had been my main goal for at least the back half of the year. So I’ll claim victory in that, and bid you all continued good luck in same.

*But Unfairintemp.

**Genshin, Ascension, One more I shouldn’t mention ***

***Ok, it’s Food Or Not.

A phrase I often say after a string of non-successes, and pretty much how I’m feeling heading into 2021. It has certainly not been the best of years. Global pandemic health crisis, personal stomach health crisis, national political crisis… at least I’ve already taken care of my existential crisis long ago, and I won*.

I haven’t even been playing any boardgames of late to share here. I can share a couple recent columns about trying to find a job during the apocalypse, or how I spent 2020 Being a Homebody, but most of my writing these days is ghostwriting.

But in the spirit of the new year, I once again want to share my favorite New Year’s song from 11 years ago**, on which I have the final verse: Keep All Your Promises.

Bidding us all a better 2021 – stay healthy and try not to be a virus vector!

* Turns out the secret was just accepting existentialism as a positive instead of a negative, that if there’s no purpose to life I don’t owe the world achievement, only kindness. So, enjoy yourself, be kind. A reasonable bar for life, and not a bad resolution for 2021.

**By which I mean, my favorite new years song bar none, which also happens to be from 11 years ago. Although it is a fortiori*** my favorite song from 11 years ago that is a new years song.

***Definitely my favorite. Maybe even a fiftiori****

****I’m pretty sure that joke doesn’t work and is disappointing, but as my last joke of 2020, it seems appropriate. Maybe it’ll be funnier in hindsight. (insert your own last 2020 joke here.)

Traditionally a time where people are up to no good, and sure enough, there’s an election around the corner. I can’t imagine anyone reading this hasn’t already decided* their presidential vote, but since there is a downballot, I encourage everyone to vote for candidates who you believe have the best interests of every member of your community/state/country in mind (as mentioned last month).

Meanwhile, I think many of us are likely to need some comfort media to weather the inevitable storm of the coming weeks. I’ve been watching Netflix’s Street Food: Asia, a superbly charming documentary series where it’s easy to fall in love with its subjects and celebrate their successes. IMPORTANT: Be sure to order takeout from a local Asian restaurant to eat while watching this, or you will be sad.

On the video game front, I’ve been playing Genshin Impact, the free-to-play** gaming sensation sweeping the nation/world. It helps that the incredible musical score is performed by the London Philharmonic and Shanghai Symphony, making it a lovely escapist pleasure to listen to. But beware, for as I mention in my recent humor column, there’s also a Loot Box Impact.

Halloween is also the time for ghosts! So I’ve been doing some ghostwriting. I can’t share any details***, but I can say that after a string of happy high-profile clients, I can confidently say that if you know someone who needs to hire a ghostwriter, I should be the person you call.****

*Or cast. A good year for early voting, to be sure. And for spells, if you can cast any of those early.

**Albeit a very expensive free. My linked column explains in more detail.

***Okay, here’s some details: People paid me money to write things for them and not tell anyone about it.

**** When there’s somethin’ tough… that you need to say…
Who you gonna call?   GHOSTWRITER!
When there’s complex stuff… that you must convey…
Who you gonna call?  GHOSTWRITER!*****

*****Don’t actually call though. Send an email or something.

I just woke up from a nap. I do not normally take naps, but this morning we had people doing work on my roof at arse o’clock, and consequently I could count the hours of sleep I got on one hand without using all my fingers. Waking up from the nap did not change the world, but it did slightly renew me with energy to do the things I have to do today.

Today is also Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, making it a fine time for renewal. And also a fine time to buy my line-by-line rhyming version of the Torah, which makes a lovely gift or coffee table piece*. Like my nap, I don’t expect the new year to suddenly change the onslaught that has been 2020. But perhaps it can give people a little renewal to face the challenges ahead.

And the challenges of 2020 are many, even if I have tried to write about them in a funny way. Those with children rightfully wary of in-person classes may need to come up with their own homeschooling quizzes. All of us probably need help on how to talk to friends in 2020, because starting conversations the normal way is now terrible. And speaking of terrible, those minor issues pale in comparison to the steadily-creeping fascism of the current administration.

So please vote. Early in person or by mail. And I encourage and entreat you to ask yourself down the entire ballot, not just the presidential race, “Which of these candidates do I think will care about helping all of the people?”, and then vote for candidates who you personally deem more likely to do so. A simple rubric, but I figure if you read my blog, I trust your judgement.

*or small monitor stand, or you can kill a reasonably sized bug with it, or you can make a hat or a pterodactyl…

As mentioned last month, in spite of my many entertainment options, over the past few months I’ve been playing a lot of sudoku.* How addicted am I? I may have written a song about it. It’s a way to distract myself. I am pretty sure I’m not alone in alternating between trying to seek some escapism from our terrible world, and feeling like I need to say something or do something about our terrible world.

I realize that “Think globally, act locally” is more difficult when thinking even nationally is enough to send one into a depression spiral, but I don’t know, I didn’t expect** a deadly pandemic that America refused to fight, or proto-fascist paramilitary squads being sent to attack our own citizens. Yet here we are in 2020.

So take care of yourself. And take care of others, if you can.

*Also over the past few decades, I’ve been playing a lot of tsundoku.

**The fact that I can’t even find the joy to craft a Spanish Inquisition reference is probably a sign that 2020 is too depressing.

It’s easy for the days, weeks, and even months to blend together these days. I mean, it has never been difficult for that to happen for me, but now even more so. So I, uh… MAY have skipped another month posting here. Oops.

In case you already forgot May, we had some unseasonable weather, including a week that had a snowstorm, hailstorm, rainstorm, and windstorm.* Of course, now that warm weather is here to stay, it’s time for haircuts.

Meanwhile, we’ve kept morale up in self-isolation by ordering take-out once a week, oft rotating between our 2-3 favorite local Asian restaurants, as we would like for all of them to stay in business. Pad thai makes excellent takeout, and I recommend it to everyone.

Oddly enough, I’ve gotten back into sudoku, thanks to a youtube channel named Cracking the Cryptic, and some pleasantly British narration. But right now, I’m going to get back into some leftover Chinese takeout.

*And if you count a 70-degree day soon following a snow day as a “sunstorm”, we had that in the same week too.

Usually around April I make a joke about how T.S. Eliot was wrong, but I think this year amidst all the Coronavirus shutdown, it is actually the cruelest month for once. It’s hard to not be constantly worrying about it, and I’m certainly not immune (ha) having written up both a Coronavirus FAQ and Coronavirus and Chill humor column. Most recently, I got a little personal with a column on Following your dreams.

My dream*, of course, was to be a writer. And with April being National Poetry Month, I’ve been writing. Perhaps more relevantly to you, I took the first few months of the year to submit a lot of poetry, and so April saw a few of my poems appearing in Verse Virtual, Sparks of Calliope, Reapparition Journal, and Ponder Savant. It has been nice to see some of my poetry elsewhere, although I still miss reading for the small crowd at my local poetry mic every month before the pandemic hit.

So, monthly poetry and comedy nights on hold, and weekly boardgame nights on hold. But I’ve been playing lots of boardgames with my partner, which I recommend for those of you self-isolating with someone you like. For those of you who are not so fortunate, videogames are also a tremendous balm in these troubled times, and I will say that my two absolute favorites, Warframe and Path of Exile, are both 100% free** to download and play on PC. And if you do end up playing one of those on my recommendation, feel free to drop me a line and I’ll hook you up with some free stuff from my stash in-game.

After all, the month could use a little less cruelty.

*Well, my metaphorical dream. Literally, my recent dream involved me visiting the “Museum of Haste”, where a moving walkway zipped me past the exhibits at 20 mph before slamming me into a wall. But I don’t think that’s anyone’s lifelong goal.

**And like, actually free for all content, not like mobile game 5 minutes free and pay to keep playing or MMO first dungeon free pay for access to the good stuff.