The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"It's just common census"If you live in North Adams, then like me you may have gotten an envelope from the city clerk last week. (If you don't live in North Adams, frankly, I'm surprised you ended up reading this.) The envelope in question was emblazoned with the warning "IMPORTANT! CITY CENSUS", along with a note saying that failure to respond will result in removal from the active voting list. Although this may or may not be much of a threat, as nearly half of America never actively votes anyway. But why does it always have to be threats? The paper inside claims that state law demands that this be sent, the signature line speaks of penalties of perjury, there's the threat of voting-roll removal, and a little note saying that the city clerk will personally come to your house and give you a wedgie if you don't reply. Has our government not familiarized itself with the carrot and stick principle? This talk of perjury and removing from active voting lists doesn't fill me with positive feelings. Why not offer me a cookie in exchange for turning in my form? (note to city clerk: I prefer chocolate chip.) Or enter all completed census forms in a raffle to win "Get out of parking ticket or speeding ticket free" cards? Now that's what I call an incentive to complete the form. Especially the parking ticket; parking can be tricky. Well, parallel parking is especially tricky. And any sort of parking is tricky for me, because I am one of the worst drivers the world has ever seen. How bad am I? I get thousands of hours of community service credit every month simply for not driving. But let's say hypothetically that you were a driver from out of town, and visiting your hypothetical friend, Seth, in North Adams for a winter weekend. Naturally, you couldn't park on the street, because the parking ban must keep the roads clear for snowplows. So you might be tempted to call the local police and ask where the closest public parking is, but if you were to do so, you'd be told that there isn't a public lot within the entire city limits of North Adams, and likewise that all the roads are off-limits for overnight parking. Hope you like long walks to and from your car. Maybe you could make a career out of it. "Professional Car-walker". Whenever I see census forms, I think of interesting careers. My occupation on the census form appears as "Writer", but I spend more time sleeping than writing, so I feel like "Sleeper" would be more accurate. (And also a pretty good Woody Allen film.) Still, I always wonder what occupations they'd accept. Is there a standard list of 50 jobs, outside of which, you're consigned to the realm of "Other"? Or could you officially get your occupation listed as "Curmudgeon" or "Eater of food"? Not that "Other" is too bad; I think it'd be sort of neat to have that on a business card. This city census wasn't terribly in-depth, though. Aside from name, birthday and occupation, they just ask your party, nationality, veteran status, and whether you are dead -- because if you are dead but fail to reply, they might remove you from the active voting list. Unlike Chicago. And finally, they ask you how many dogs and cats you have. What was interesting to me was that answering the dog question was mandatory, but answering the cat question was optional. I worry that someone may be stockpiling cats, unbeknownst to any government officials. What if we're faced with Weapons of Cats Destruction, causing clawmarks and tears in all of our city's furniture? In spite of this danger, you can opt not to report the number of cats you own. But you must report the number of dogs you have -- otherwise they'll all be removed from the active voting list. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seth Brown is a local freelance "Other" and humor writer. He appears frequently in the Washington Post's Style Invitational, infrequently in various other publications, and his first book "Think You're The Only One?" was recently published by Barnes & Noble. His Web site is www.RisingPun.com All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |