The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Going to Health in a Handbasket"I'm not a very healthy eater. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I'm the least healthy eater I know. One day last month, all I ate was a box of cookies and an apple. And I considered it a healthy day, because I didn't fry the apple. Seriously, ask anyone who knows me, I tend to fry everything from A to Z -- apples to zucchini -- and often in the same pan all at once. Nonetheless, I still occasionally think about health, which is why I was disturbed to read a report calling high fructose corn syrup a "silent killer". I've been trying to avoid anything in that category ever since my brush with the Mime Assassin Guild. I decided to do some research online, and see if this warning about corn syrup contained a kernel of truth. The litany of studies and reports on corn syrup had all sorts of negative things to say. According to the websites I saw, various chemicals in corn syrup are genetically modified, corn syrup makes you hungrier and fatter, corn syrup is bad for your liver, and corn syrup was responsible for 9/11. Okay, so you can't believe everything you read online. Still, many scientists and nutritionists agree that corn syrup is a serious problem. And it's getting more serious, because the average American eats over 62 pounds of it a year. That's a lot of corn syrup. It's like eating a quarter-pound of corn syrup every weekday, as if it were a high-fructose hamburger. Actually, chances are that when you're eating a hamburger, you're eating high fructose corn syrup, given that it's one of the major ingredients in ketchup. That's the surprising thing about high-fructose corn syrup -- it's a major ingredient in many things, from yogurt to bread. Sure, it's not in all bread, but good luck finding bread without it. It took me five minutes last time I went shopping to find the one brand without high-fructose corn syrup ("Cost-U-More Super-Natural Bread(tm)"). Corn syrup is in everything; in a sense, the corn is stalking us. It's possible to find foods without corn syrup, but it's becoming surprisingly difficult, and trying to do so is very stressful. This is a problem, because I recently read a report calling stress a "silent killer". I've been trying to avoid things in that category ever since watching Pulp Fiction on mute. But we live in a stress-filled world, and it's not getting any less stressful. The unemployment rate is up to 4.5%, our troops are in Iraq, a terrorist somewhere may want to kill us, draconian security measures to dissuade that terrorist make us want to kill ourselves, your son is running towards the electric socket with a fork in his hand, and if I don't finish this column in the next hour, I may bump the unemployment rate up to 4.6%. That's enough to stress anyone out. However, what I want to stress is that you shouldn't be stressed, because the stress distress will make you a mess. Even the American Heart Association has issued warnings about stress. And they're stressful people -- they call themselves "AHA!", which makes me worry that I'll be rounding a corner and they'll surprise me, which is not good for my heart. The best thing you can do for yourself is relax. Accept the things you cannot change and try not to become stressed over them. Take time to yourself to read a book. Have something to drink, like a nice tall glass of OJ. Unfortunately, a 1997 court report referred to OJ as a "silent killer". And I've been trying to avoid things in that category ever since sitting next to my friend Ted on a burrito-eating road trip when I learned what was truly silent but deadly. Never mind the OJ. When I'm stressed out, I want comfort food, like a box of cookies again. But they're high in corn syrup, and I've been trying to eat healthier. So I think I'll have an apple too. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |