The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Eggstremely Bad Yolks"
People always say, "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." This is nonsense. You can break many eggs instead. Or you can make a very lumpy omelet with unbroken hardboiled eggs, though it would probably be somewhat crunchy. Or you can use an egg substitute in your omelet instead of actual eggs. It's this third possibility that makes the most sense to me, because although I like eating eggs well enough, when I reflect on the idea, it astounds me that humankind ever came up with the idea to eat eggs. You've got this bird, and said bird extrudes something from its posterior region. Already, this is a bad sign. But humankind, like an egg, would not be deterred. Someone said, "I don't care that the round object here just came out of you-know-where, I'm going to try to eat it." And what they found was that it was a completely inedible hard shell, surrounding a goopy middle that contains salmonella. Salmonella, as you know, was a fish with an evil stepmother who forced her to clean the tank all day as her sisters went to... no, that's not right. Salmonella is a bacteria that causes many unpleasant diseases including typhoid, which is bad news for anyone not named Mary. So you've got this round thing that comes out of a particular poultry place, is coated in something inedible, and filled with disease. And in spite of all this, someone decided to press on. I can only imagine the conversation: "We've got to keep trying!" Amazingly enough, they persevered, and now we eat eggs. Well, most of us eat eggs. People allergic to eggs don't eat eggs. But oddly, people allergic to chicken do eat eggs, which is odd given that eggs are just highly concentrated chicken. Sadly, it concentrates into a state of quantum uncertainty, such that you can't count your eggs until they hatch. This is one of the two main reasons why you'll occasionally find fewer eggs than you thought you had in your refrigerator. The other reason is that your house is infested with snakes that are eating the eggs. I know there are snakes in the walls of my house, because I hear them hiss in the evenings. I think they live somewhere near the radiators for my steam heat, but my guests are often terrified of the hissing sound, and I think snakes are the best explanation. Actually, snakes are the best explanation for most things. Why does Samuel L. Jackson have to swear so much? Snakes! What's responsible for evil in the world? Snakes! Mommy, where do babies come from? Snakes! And most importantly, why do my eggs keep disappearing? Snakes. Whenever you've foolishly counted your eggs before they hatch, snakes will make sure your count is incorrect. One snake does it by giving you extra eggs, but adders are fairly rare. Most snakes do it by stealing eggs. And to open a fridge door with no hands, they must be working together. I can only imagine the conversation: "Ssss sssssssss ssssss." These strong words should make you realize that your eggs are not safe in that little bin in the fridge. Serpent, serpent, and bin no more. The best place to keep your eggs is in the oven. The bars on the oven rack can conveniently hold dozens of eggs, and the danger of being burned alive will keep all the snakes out. In fact, the only downside to using this storage method is that occasionally you will forget about it, and accidentally leave eggs in the oven when making dinner. But that's the price you pay for safety. After all, you can't make an omelet without baking a few eggs. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |