The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"A Little Food For Thought" If I had to name one thing
as the greatest accomplishment of mankind, it would have to be food.
Ever since it was invented by Sir Jonathan Foodston in 1683, we've
been eating food. Okay, I admit that food probably existed as soon
as we did, so we didn't have to invent it. But food is still something
that we (especially me) enjoy far more than we have to. This could have been the fate of food; we could begrudgingly have nutrient intake a few times a day, without any pleasure in it. But we invented sauces, and cheesecake, and buffets, and now people look forward to eating. We think about meals so much that during lunch we talk about what we're going to eat for dinner. With a few exceptions, like anorexics (bulimic I won't even bring up), people love to eat food. Yet in spite of this food-o-philia (who did not date foodhamlet) (which is neither a small food village nor a tiny ham), we're pretty stupid when it comes to food. The way we talk about food is just plain wrong. I'll give you an example -- the phrase "selling like hotcakes." This is typically used to imply that something is selling really well. But have you ever tried to sell hotcakes? Nobody wants to buy them. I spent all of last weekend on my front porch with a big sign that said "Hotcakes for Sale!" and not one single person bought one. We should really say "Selling like iPods." Here's another phrase: "Easy as pie." Pie is not so easy. Last time I tried to make pie, the crust was burnt, the filling was goop, the whole thing fell apart and it generally didn't taste very good. "Easy as microwave popcorn," now there's a saying I can get behind. For slightly less easy things, you could say "Easy as pasta." And the labeling on food is never what it should be. Ben & Jerry's pint-sized ice cream should just be called "Lonely Depression Snack Size." Everyone knows that's what it's for, so they may as well be honest and market it that way. And those tiny candy bars should not be allowed to be labeled as fun size. When it comes to candy, small is not fun. To me, a fun size of Butterfingers bar would be roughly the size of a Honda Civic. Now that's what I call fun. A Butterfingers bar that's not even as long as my finger? Not too fun. On the other hand, if the taxes I owe this year end up being tiny, then that would be fun size. What about food-related aphorisms? Most of them are blatantly false. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch?" Clearly, this is a saying invented by egg thieves. I can only imagine how it must have come into existence ... "What's that, Farmer Bill? You could swear you had more chickens coming than that? Oh, you probably just didn't have as many eggs as you thought. No, no, better not investigate by counting them before they hatch -- I hear that's bad luck." Or how about this gem: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Wrong. I hated doctors when I was growing up, so I would throw things at them when my mom tried to bring me in to get shots. An apple, two oranges, and a toy truck still won't keep the doctor away; take it from me. You know what does work, though? "A malpractice suit a day keeps the doctor away." Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a Lonely Depression Snack Size ice cream to work through.
Seth Brown is a local freelance humor writer and the author of "Think You're The Only One?", a book published by Barnes & Noble that he wishes would sell more like iPods and less like hotcakes. He appears frequently in the Washington Post's Style Invitational, and infrequently in various other newspapers. His Web site is www.RisingPun.com All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |