The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Ben Franklin's Bad Advice"This year is the 300th Anniversary of Ben Franklin. Sure, he was technically born on January 7, 1706, but perhaps he was large enough that the whole year counts as his birthday. If that were true, all of the 20th century would be the birthday of William Howard Taft. So more likely, the powers that be just decided that one day or even one month would be insufficient to celebrate this great man. I disagree. I'm calling out Ben Franklin as a man filled with bad advice. If he doesn't reply to this article with a letter to the editor, I'll take it as tacit admission that I am correct. That being said, I'd like to present my case. I like reading books. And when people ask me what my favorite type of book is, it's not romance or mystery or horror or even science fiction. No, my favorite type of book is borrowed. I love reading borrowed books. I'm not sure whether it's the thrill of reading something not even mine, or the urgency that comes from knowing that the book must soon be returned, but if I have a dozen brand new books I've just purchased on the shelf, and one book I'm borrowing from a friend, I'll read the borrowed one first. If I have a dozen borrowed books, I skip work. The flip side of this equation is that I love lending books to friends. I go to book sales and purchase books that I already own or don't plan to read again anytime soon, solely to lend them to friends. I like being able to share a good book with someone who will appreciate it. And the overdue fines I charge are quite reasonable. Ben Franklin, on the other hand, said, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." Why would he want to prevent people from experiencing the joys of borrowing and lending books? Perhaps it's because he authored Poor Richard's Almanac, a best-selling book of which he wanted each person to buy a copy, rather than borrowing from a friend. If you are particularly literary, you may be tempted to point out that the aforementioned quote was from William Shakespeare, and not Ben Franklin. Franklin would tell you "Let thy discontents be secrets," or, "In a discreet man's mouth, a publick thing is private." But since the whole point of my column is that Franklin was wrong, ignore his advice and tell me that the first quote was Shakespare. Then I can respond to you with this: I never said the first quote wasn't Shakespeare. I merely said it was Ben Franklin. For I believe that the two of them are the same person. Both men of great literary merit, and somewhat rotund. And nobody has ever seen both of them in the same place at the same time. For years, people have been forwarding theories that Shakespeare's plays were authored by someone else with a different name. I believe that someone was Ben Franklin. And he still wants you to buy new copies of all your Shakespeare plays, and not borrow them from friends. But that's just the beginning of Ben Franklin's bad advice. He says, "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Nonsense. When I wake up early, I become nauseated -- a far cry from healthy. And wise? On a day when I am early to rise, I am well-nigh incapable of formulating intelligible speech until later in the day, let alone wisdom. As for wealth, if you go to bed early instead of working, you won't have much wealth either. What else did Franklin say? "Hunger is the best pickle." Wrong; Dill is the best pickle. "After three days men grow weary, of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy." Clearly, Franklin never had the right wench as a guest. "A good example is the best sermon." Maybe we should all fly kites in storms and electrocute ourselves. But to me, the worst advice Franklin ever gave was this: "Strange that a Man who has wit enough to write a satire should have folly enough to publish it."
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