The Pun Also Rises

"Advice For Graduates"

    The end of the academic year is upon us, and another proud class of graduates will be leaving college and heading out into the real world, hopefully remembering to take off those ridiculous hats first so people don't try to use your head to spackle a wall.

    If I could give one piece of advice to the graduating class, I would say, "Don't Go!", except for the fact that Rodney Dangerfield would probably rise from the dead and complain about still getting no respect because I stole his line. So instead, I'll say this:

    Don't procrastinate.

    While you're in college, procrastination is a good idea. It's the best thing since sliced bread. It's even better than unsliced bread, because you were going to slice the bread but you decided to wait until after the poker game and movie with your friends, so there's still one giant chunk of bread that's not in pieces small enough to make a sandwich out of.

    Don't end sentences with a preposition. This is something up with which some editors in the real world will not put. Yes, everyone talks that way, but when you're writing you have to follow different rules, and probably shouldn't even say words like [CENSORED].

    Sure, swearing and procrastinating makes lots of sense in college. Especially if you're majoring in communications. Chances are, the thing you have to do is just something for a grade, and what other people think of you doesn't really matter anyway. Except for those girls at the party. And the cop. And the jury. And your probation officer. But that's what you get for asking people to rate you in real life.

    Besides, tests and papers in college are things that you pay someone to look at. The person paying for things never has to care; that's the advantage of money. If you pay me to sing you the happy cheese song, you don't have to care what I think. If I'm being paid to sing you that song, I'm the one who needs to make sure you think it's gouda.

    Once you're being paid, it might be worth caring. But meanwhile, hanging out with your friends is actually much more important than your work. Ten years from now, you won't remember your science test, but the big party with all your friends, that's something you also won't remember, because you drank too much.

    You could have remembered, though. I think that's my point. I don't really remember. Remembering is less important once you leave college.

    Break the rules. College is a constructed environment with restricted entry, so people in charge get to tell you how to do things, because the administration knows how things work there. The world is not like that at all. Everyone enters into the world unready, and there's no point listening to people because they certainly don't know how things work here -- especially the administration.

    Wear a hat on your head and socks on your ears. People will notice you.

    Find a good cover story. People tend not to hassle you about your life when you're in college, because that's all that you need to say. "What are you doing with your life?" "I'm in college." "Good answer." Once you get out of college, people start asking you again, and those people won't leave you alone when you give answers like, "Mostly I play cards, and do a little humor writing on the side." Then those people will say, "You have no direction, your parents must be ashamed." And by those people, I mean your parents.

    You'll want to have a response to that question. And probably a better response than "[CENSORED]", although it gets very tempting when the question is asked repeatedly. In fact, that may be the only question that really matters; once you can answer that, everything else is secondary. What's the capital of Zaire? I don't know, but I'm starting my rap career.

    See what I mean? All you need is a good cover story for your life, and everything else will take care of itself. So come up with something today, which brings me back to my main point:

    Don't procrastinate.

    Otherwise, you'll end up staying up until 5am writing a column about graduation that's due the next day.

____________________

    Seth Brown is a local humor writer whose graduation was all circumstance and no pomp. His website is www.RisingPun.com

All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first.