The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"In Defense of the Half-Dollar"People fear change. This should come as no surprise in our current climate of terror, where people also fear accents, shoes, liquids, and Tom Cruise. But unlike Tom Cruise, change is a very sensible thing, and one which we should embrace. If you ask people what they want to do with their lives, half of them will say that they want to make the world a better place. (The honest half will tell you that they want to have Tom Cruise's money.) But who has the time for world-bettering? Well, I'm here to tell you a quick way to improve things, and the secret is change. More specifically, the half-dollar. This oft-neglected piece of coinage is the best coin still being produced today, and I am asking YOU to help me bring it back into larger circulation. (I guess it's already the largest US coin in circulation, but it deserves wider circulation.) (Okay, it's the widest coin in circulation too, but you know what I mean.) Half-dollars make a satisfying "Ping!" sound when you hold them atop your bent forefinger and flick them with your thumb. Machines to make the same noise would cost a million dollars, but you can do so while looking like a gangster for the price of fifty cents. Half-dollars are also big and weighty, so you feel important when you are carrying them. A few years ago, I was praising half-dollars to a friend of mine. He took my advice and started carrying some around. Only one week later, he came up to me to express his enjoyment of the half-dollar, and said this: "It's great, I reach into my pocket, and I'm like 'Whoa, what's that big thing?'" As you can see, having half-dollars will not only cheer you up, but will improve your self-confidence and self-esteem. Surely you must be living your life correctly, to acquire such large coins. When you have to flip a coin for something, and you use a half-dollar, you will be much cooler than you would have otherwise. People will notice, even if they don't say anything. Sometimes I think people don't appreciate the half-dollar because of the dollar coin. People presume it must be only half as good as the dollar coin, but it's actually twice as good. Dollar coins have never lived up to their potential. The Susan B Anthony dollar coin was probably the worst coin this country ever made. It was always confused for something only a quarter as valuable, which interestingly enough, was also Susan B Anthony's complaint about being a woman. Nobody ever mistook a half-dollar for a quarter. And with prices constantly rising, today we need the half-dollar more than ever. We've considered eliminating the penny, because we need coins that are worth more. What can you buy with a penny? You won't even be able to nickel and dime a storekeeper for too much longer. In my world, you should be able to slap one coin down on the counter and get a candy bar. But twenty five cents isn't enough anymore. Remember the Alamo? No Quarter! Quarters are still wonderful change for using vending machines, but a person should be able to take a coin and exchange it for food. And half-dollars are also large enough that they avoid any small change stigma. Some people aren't sure whether leaving small change with a tip is rude. Leaving extra half-dollars for your waitress is never rude. Unless you leave the half dollar in an upside down glass filled with water. Anyway, my point is that you should be using half-dollars. And conveniently, you can buy them at any bank. You can even get two for a dollar at the banks in North Adams, and I challenge you to find a better price anywhere else. So buy some half-dollars next time you cash a check, keep one in your pocket, and spend some. This is my advice to you. I'm just trying to make the world a better place. And, to be honest, I'd also like Tom Cruise's money. But I'd like it in half-dollars. _______________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |