The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Happy Hallowed Day"The smell of rotting pumpkins are in the air, and the stores are bedecked with overpriced costumes and over-colored candy. It can only mean one thing: Halloween is approaching. As you may know, the word "Halloween" is actually derived from the words "Hallow E'en", meaning "Hallow Eve". So what does Hallow Eve mean? Well, imagine that you and your lover are the only two people on earth. This is how you might greet each other: "Hiya, Adam." "Hallow, Eve." Wait, that's not it. To find the truth, we should consult a book or a dinosaur. I like to split the difference, and use a thesaurus. By looking up "Hallow" in a thesaurus, we learn that it means the same thing as "Revere". Revere, as you know, was a fellow who rode around town on a horse one night to warn everyone by shouting, "The British are coming! The Redcoats are coming!" Nowadays, Hallow E'en is very similar to Revere E'en. We go around at night, shouting ourselves hoarse, to warn people that the kids are coming. And we do this by using the same codephrase: "The British are coming! The Redcoats are coming!" "British", in this context, refers to the effect of all the Halloween candy on the children's dental health. England, as a country, is not known for its dental health. They are known for their food. Ha. No, the British are known for being exceedingly polite, so hopefully they won't mind the comment about their dental health. I could claim it was tongue-in-cheek, but frankly I'm just telling the tooth. As for "Redcoats", if Halloween is cold, parents will often make their kids wear coats over their costumes. Now, you children reading this may think that this makes your costume look lame, but the truth is this: It makes your costume look totally lame. Spooky people don't wear coats. Ghosts don't wear coats. The Mummy didn't wear a coat. Even Dracula didn't wear a coat. He wore a cape, and killed people that wore coats, by biting them on the neck. He also raised the dead to do his bidding. These are two reasons that Dracula was known as a neck-romancer. Hey, I'm just telling the tooth. Anyway, wearing coats over your costume makes you look lame. But at least you have a costume. Nothing is worse than than the kids who go around with no costume and still expect to get free candy. If you don't dress up in a costume, you can't expect people to give you free food. There's a word for people who don't do anything and still expect lots of free stuff: Congress. So just wear the costume. It's worth wearing a costume to get free food. Halloween is one of the few times you can put a silly mask on your face and then expect people to all empty their goodies into your bag. Most of the other times involve robbing banks, and those are largely illegal. Even on halloween, going into a bank wearing a mask and demanding that the teller fill up your bag is probably a bad idea. Someone will probably set off the alarm. Come to think of it, there's no reason not to set off alarms when children come trick or treating, either. Just imagine your house as a giant bank. (Those of you who are parents shouldn't find this too much of a stretch.) If you saw someone approaching your bank in a mask, you'd be wary. Kids on Halloween are no different. What's more, some of the kids even carry various vandalism implements, and plan to attack you or your property if you fail to comply with their demands. You just want to live your life in peace, without this unjust candy tax on your existence. The children are coming because they believe they are entitled to your candy just because society says so. We must remember the whole point of Hallow E'en, otherwise known as Revere E'en, and raise the alarm: "The Brattish are coming! The Brattish are coming!" ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |