The Pun Also Rises

"Interstellar Ice Cream"

To: Commander Zorlax, Invasion Fleet
Re: Conquering Planet Earth

Stardate 72453.32
   Hail Zorlax! My Earthling disguise is complete. I have infiltrated one of their cities, and will soon learn what matters most of all to these humans, so we may use it against them. I interrogated some of the short and small-headed humans today, since their tiny brains are least likely to uncover my disguise.

   As far as I can tell, the most valued thing on this planet is "ice cream". If we can control the ice cream, we will control their currency. According to the Encyclopedia Galactica, ice is merely frozen water, and cream is the fat of bovine juice. I believe I can easily duplicate this "ice cream".

Stardate 72459.13
   Hail Zorlax! My experiment did not meet with success. After freezing the bovine specimen, it failed to produce any juice. No matter, this "ice cream" will not be hard to obtain. A bit of exploration revealed some buildings even have giant signs for "ice cream" on the outside. I presume that these are earth banks, in which ice cream is invested and saved. The earth banks must be operated by fools, for they give away this precious ice cream in exchange for green paper. Actually, the whole earth economy appears to be in a shambles, for I only saw ice cream withdrawn, never deposited.

   Also, for three small pieces of green paper, one can receive a full box of ice cream, or a small portion of that box of ice cream in a glass receptacle. I learned from this that putting things in glass receptacles increased their value. However, when I attempted to offer an earth clerk some green paper in a glass receptacle in exchange for ice cream, I was verbally assaulted and was forced to flee. The earth economy is very strange.

Stardate 72461.84
   Hail Zorlax! I observed more of the consumption of this "ice cream" today, and am much confused. It appears to be a foodstuff, and yet people will purchase it from roving trucks, much like xongra'ak on our home planet. Furthermore, the ice cream is served atop a small upside-down military spike (note: these spikes are easy to shatter; the planet shall be easy to conquer). Instead of consuming the ice cream, the earthlings allow much of it to fall to the ground, perhaps in order to fertilize the soil to grow more ice cream. Yet I have seen no ice cream trees since my arrival.

Stardate 72464.36
   Hail Zorlax! The Earthlings may be more technologically advanced than we thought. Today I decided I would attempt to consume some of this "ice cream", and exchanged some green paper with a man in a roving truck. In return, I received a block of ice cream sandwiched by two rectangular biscuits. Even a zur'quarg knows that biscuits are hard, and my observations have shown me that "ice cream" will melt and fall to the ground. And yet when I held this block of ice cream, it was the biscuits that melted in my hands, and the ice cream that remained hard! The Earthlings must have penetrated my disguise! And not only that, they must have a micro-reality-reverser that they used on my ice cream block to prevent me from fully understanding and ingesting their currency. No matter. Tomorrow I shall consume this "ice cream", and no Earth creature will stop me.

Stardate 72467.29
   Hail Zorlax! We must call off the invasion fleet! The Earth creatures are too strong for us. Two fleegs ago, I approached the ice cream bank and exchanged some green paper (not in a glass receptacle) for some ice cream (in the highly valuable glass receptacle). I noted that the earth creatures consume the "ice cream" as swiftly as possible, so I followed suit. A horrible throbbing freezing sensation began occurring in my head! When I cried out in anguish and explained my discomfort, the earthlings laughed and nodded, and resumed swiftly consuming their own ice creams. They not only mock the suffering of others, but enjoy their own. After being so tormented, I must conclude that we would do well to select a different target planet.

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    Seth Brown is a typical earthling humor writer and certainly not a spy for an interstellar invasion fleet from Nebulax 7. His website is www.RisingPun.com

All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first.