The Pun Also Rises

"All You Need Is Love"

    For many years, humanity has asked the burning question "What is love?" (For a few years we also followed it with the plea "Oh baby, don't hurt me, Don't hurt me no more," but then we realized that Saturday Night Live had jumped the shark.) A number of philosophers have tried to answer this question, from Plato to John Lennon, but a satisfactory conclusion has never been reached.

    Until now. A recent study by neuroscientists using MRI brain-scans has shown something fascinating: Romantic love has the same sort of effect on your brain that drug cravings do. A big article in the New York Times broke the story at the end of May, detailing how three doctors analyzed 2,500 brain images taken from lovestruck college students. And what they found was this: College is really expensive.

    No, what they found was that romantic love is an overriding desire that acts on the brain like a drug, and that the cravings only increase upon being dumped, much like drug withdrawal. So in a sense, it turns out that Robert Palmer was right: "Might as well face it, you're addicted to love." If you wanted to summarize these findings in a short soundbite that sensationalizes the scientific study without worrying about factual precision, you might say it this way:

    Love is a drug.

    Why did we not realize this before? Back in the 60s, various drugs from LSD to quaaludes were being passed around, but the biggest drug of all was right under our noses the whole time: Love. Well, steps will have to be taken. President Bush has already authorized $40 million to fund the War On Love, and is appointing a new Love Czar. Our border patrols will vigilantly prevent any love from coming into this country, and the TSA will make sure that love cannot be transported freely from one coast to the other.

    The results of Bush's War On Love can already be seen in the vast reduction of foreign love arriving in this country. Dealers in foreign countries who might have previously sent love to America are now thinking twice -- as well they should. But what about domestic love sources? Well, Bush is starting to realize that love is a gateway drug. It starts with love, then comes marriage, and according to some sources, then comes Georgie in the baby carriage.

    The administration has already been cracking down on gay marriage, which is why the legality varies from state to state. It wouldn't be much of a policy shift to start prohibiting love in certain states as well. Of course, to help the citizenry get used to it, some mottos would have to shift. New Hampshire's state motto would be changed to: "Live Free, Die, or Abandon Some Freedoms Because The Government Said So." Philadelphia would become "The City of Brothers Just Doing Business". And of course, Alaska's motto would remain: "It's Not Love, We Just Need The Warmth."

    When the War On Love starts fully sweeping the country, I imagine that Americans looking for love might start looking further abroad. Just as some drugs are legal in Amsterdam, the love drug might be more easily attainable in Europe, or Australia. French has long been considered the language of love anyway, and I must admit to a passion for cheese fondue. And consider the advantages of loving a kangaroo, a creature that's not only cute, but is always wearing pants that have a pocket.

    In fact, the only disadvantage of loving a kangaroo is that they live in Australia, which is incredibly far away and terribly inconvenient. Nonetheless, the allure of these creatures is such that Americans are willing to fall in love with a creature that lives in a country we think of as upside down. As you probably know, this is where we get the idiom "head over heels in love" -- because people are so addicted to love that they will even ignore gravity.

    It will be a long, hard fight to overcome these forces of romantic love that afflict our country, but I have confidence that we can do it. And I've got the perfect ad campaign: "Drugs are my Anti-Love."

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    Seth Brown is a local humor writer who is addicted to a kangaroo. He appears frequently in the Washington Post's Style Invitational, infrequently in various other publications, and once in book form -- in his first book 'Think You're The Only One?', published by Barnes & Noble. His Web site is www.RisingPun.com

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