The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"Happy Old Year!"It's not that I like the freezing cold and icy snows, it's just that January isn't the same without them. Honestly, we've just started 2007, and outside it's still September. If that's not a sign that global warming is going to be a big issue, then at the very least it's a sign that local warming is going to be a big issue. But maybe local warming isn't so bad, given that one of my New Year's resolutions was to be warmer to people. Dangit. No, it wasn't. One of my other resolutions was to lie less frequently, and you can see how well that's going. Maybe I should sleep vertically. Even if I'm up all night wondering when January weather is actually going to arrive, we can at least ring in the new year with resolutions. Sure, you probably already made your resolutions last week, when it was actually New Year's Day. But if you're anything like me, you probably already broke a few of them. And it shouldn't be a surprise, when you make crazy resolutions like, "I resolve not to watch television" or "I resolve to work out for an hour a day", or "I resolve not to eat more than a pound of chocolate in one sitting." Who are you kidding? We all know that it's more fun to watch TV and eat chocolate than to work out. The only person who pretends not to know that is the deluded version of you that was born sometime last year, and died earlier this month. That person (December-you) had every confidence that you(2007-you) could happily deny yourself all worldly pleasures, in order to become a better person. Had December-you only had the decency to ask 2007-you, you would have said, "Heck no, I'm not existing on salad and visiting my parents every weekend!" Here's another thing: December-you is a hypocrite. December-you talks a good game about moderation, but do you remember what December-you ate? Here's a hint: It wasn't just salad. No, December-you feasted on banquet after banquet of Thanksgiving leftovers, holiday cookies, Christmas ham, and endless buffets and candies from holiday parties and gift baskets. December-you, from a gustatory perspective, had a great time by living it up. December-you wouldn't dream of existing on rabbit food, but it makes fine advice for this poor sucker named 2007-you. Exercise? Please. December-you had a few days off of work, and spent them in the bar and on the couch. "It's okay, because that 2007-you will make up for it," said December-you. Does that seem like smokescreen? And speaking of smokescreen, for someone who wanted 2007-you to quit smoking, December-you sure went through a surprising number of packs to collect Marlboro Miles and Camel Cash. Was it an attempt to be helpful? December-you did specifically tell 2007-you to visit your family more often, and bring gifts -- perhaps gifts purchased with clippings from cigarette boxes. But did December-you not realize how busy 2007-you was going to be in January? What right did that dastardly decembral devil have to promise the world that 2007-you would give to charity and spend time with your family? No right at all. And this is why most New Year's resolutions fail: They are promises made by December-you that must be upheld by 2007-you. Well, now that the first week of 2007 is over, let's make some resolutions the proper way. Let 2007-you write the checks, and make December-you cash them. No more promising to do better next year. Let's promise to do better last year! Say it with me: "I hereby resolve to give more to charity and spend more time with my family last year." And let's try this one: "I hereby resolve to exercise more and eat less last year." Doesn't that feel good? Now that we've made these resolutions, you might think it's up to December-you to keep them. But the thing is, last year's benchmarks for how much you eat or see your family have already been set. If you're serious about keeping your new resolutions, then in order to truly eat less last year, it means that you have to eat more this year by comparison. To spend more time with your family last year -- a noble goal! -- you have to avoid them as much as possible this year. My own resolution isn't as easy. I resolved to personally put an end to global warming last year, and it doesn't look like I succeeded. Dangit, no, I'm lying again. Thankfully, one of my resolutions for this year was to lie less frequently last year. Did I say something contradictory at the beginning of this column? Then I'm off to a great start. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |