The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"The Joy Of Procrastination"I think all humor columnists eventually must write about procrastination. In my case, I have to do so because I promised last week that I would. But there's a much more natural reason for humor columnists to write about procrastination: It's something we understand. It's much easier for a humorist to write humorously about procrastination than say... quantum physics. For example, consider the following joke that I am literally making up as I write this sentence: "Knock knock." See? It may be strange, but it's hardly charmed, and not very funny. And even if I were to study something that I don't understand, and spend hours learning about quantum physics and uncertainty principles, it still wouldn't do any good. Because even if I managed to learn enough to fully understand this classic joke I heard years ago: Heisenberg is driving down the Autobahn, and gets pulled over for speeding. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am!" It has no value if you don't understand it. So in order to write useful jokes about quantum physics, first I would have to teach myself quantum physics, and then I would have to teach you quantum physics. I really, really, really don't want to do that. And that's why humorists write about procrastination. I probably don't have to teach you about procrastination. And I certainly don't have to teach myself anything about it - I know all there is to know about procrastination. In fact, you'll notice that we're nearly halfway through the column, and I still haven't said much about procrastination at all. That's because I'm so used to procrastinating, that I'm putting off telling you about it. Here's an average week's schedule for a humor columnist: MONDAY: Catch up on reading Sunday paper. Consider the fact that humor column is due on Friday. Realize that last week's humor column hasn't even been seen yet. Play cards. TUESDAY: Read last week's humor column in the paper. Attempt to think of clever topic for humor column. Realize that cool topic idea has already been made into a movie. Go watch movie. WEDNESDAY: Sit down at computer to write humor column. Notice that computer is connected to Internet. Surf Internet for time-wasting video games. Play video games until 4am. THURSDAY: Set aside evening to write humor column. Wonder if talking penguins would be funny. Ask self if learning about penguins is really worthwhile. Browse through various websites about penguins. Have nightmare about talking penguins. Decide not to write about penguins. FRIDAY: Surf Internet for cool movie about talking penguins playing cards. Watch repeatedly. Glance at clock and notice that deadline is looming and nothing has been written because have been procrastinating all week. Consider possible areas of expertise to write about. Write column about procrastination by summarizing week. And that's pretty much all you need to know about procrastination. Things will get done eventually anyway, so there's no point in rushing them -- where by "rushing them", I mean "starting to work on them more than 3 hours before they are due". However, I bet you know a few people who manage to finish things long before they are due. "There’s no point delaying the inevitable," they cheerily explain. My usual response is to throw them roughly into a coffin and cover them with dirt. Ha ha, just kidding, of course. I place them gently in the coffin. Anyway, my point is that procrastination is one of the most human things there is. Almost everybody does it to some degree, and so we all understand it. Sure, there are those who say I'd be better off if I had studied quantum physics instead of just procrastinating, but for those people, I have just two words: "Quark quark."
Seth Brown is a local humor writer and quantum
duck, or at least hopes to get around to becoming one, eventually.
He appears frequently in the Washington Post's Style Invitational,
infrequently in various other publications, and once in book form
-- in his first book "Think You're The Only One?", published
by Barnes & Noble. His Web site is www.RisingPun.com All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |