The Pun Also Rises

"How I Became a Rapper"

    As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster. Rapper.

    Gangster rappers just seem to have so much fun. They're surrounded by women, and have lots of money, and occasionally kill people, and then go around singing about how they kill people and take their stuff and have lots of money and drink. Who else gets to do that?

    Okay, pirates. I've also always wanted to be a pirate. Sadly, the closest I've gotten was a lack of citrus in my diet and a propensity to say "Arrrrrrrr!" I actually tend to get seasick very easily, so I'd make a fairly lousy pirate.

    Or so I thought! Thankfully, redefinition is very powerful, and today I could actually call myself a pirate, according to such august groups as the RIAA (Ripping Into Artists' Autonomy) and the MPAA (Mediocre Plots And Actors). Even though I don't have a VCR any more, a decade ago I recorded a movie off of the TV, and then showed it to a friend. And I made tapes of a few CDs that a friend let me borrow.

    This used to be called sharing. Now they want to call it piracy. In fact, the MPAA and RIAA have all sorts of laws they want to pass to stop people from sharing. Their anti-pirate talk is parroted by the companies that stand to gain a bootyload of treasure when everyone has to pay them money for what used to be able to be shared for free. Personally, I think it's a load of ship. Heck, if that's the case, most of America is made up of pirates.

    Unfortunately, if everyone else is a pirate, being a pirate is no longer as special, so I'll have to stick with my original plan of being a gangster rapper. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was born neither black nor cool. This is a severe disadvantage in the rap world. If I was going to become a rapper, I was going to need help.

    One day, I was listening to a rap group called "Blackalicious", and realized that they were very, very good. They had what would be referred to in the vernacular as phat beats, and rhymed with impressive skill and speed. I knew they could help me achieve my dream, but I wasn't really familiar with the rap world, so I did the only thing I knew how to do:

    I sent them a resume and a cover letter.

    Admittedly, my rap credentials were at the time somewhat limited, but I had possession of two objects that I believed would give me street cred. First, a plastic cup that advertised the book "The Hip-Hop Generation". And secondly, a rapping hamster that a thoughtful friend had given to me. I was sure to highlight both of these qualifications in my cover letter.

    Lo and behold, I heard back from Blackalicious. They requested a picture of the hamster, and asked if he could spell. It was clear to me that even if my rap career was going nowhere, the hamster was destined for greatness. The hamster took up the rap alias of Ham-STAR, and wrote a fantastic rap which he submitted to Blackalicious, along with a glamour photo.

    Amazingly, he was rejected. But after tasting the spotlight, he was not to be deterred. Ham-STAR and I were patient for years, but just this month, Ham-STAR put out two songs on a new album called Rhyme Torrents. What's the catch? Well, technically it's not a gangster rap album, it's more of a Nerdcore rap album.

    This means that instead of names like Tupac and Ice Cube and G-Unit, the rappers have names like YT Cracker and MC Plus Plus and 1337 G33k B3at. And instead of rapping about shooting people and having lots of money, more of the rapping tends to be about playing video games and screwing around on the Internet.

    Hey, when it comes right down to it, many of us are better at screwing around on the Internet than we are at shooting people. So even if he's not a gangster, I'm proud of Ham-STAR for living the dream and putting out songs on a rap album. You could even listen to it if you like, at www.rhymetorrents.com. Meanwhile, word to your mother. But hopefully a nice word, like chrysanthemum.

____________________

    Seth Brown is a local humor writer who kicks it so old school that he's a peripatetic. His website is www.RisingPun.com

All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first.