The Pun Also Rises(as seen in the North Adams Transcript)
"V-Day: Letter Go"It's no secret that I've never liked Valentine's Day. People tend to pick up on my subtle clues, such as the decapitated teddy bear on my desk (such a grizzly fate!), the giant "I Hate Valentine's Day" T-shirt I wear (available in 3 sizes!), and the murderous glare in my eye. (I've never actually killed anyone on Valentine's Day. Thanks to a time-zone technicality.) In the past, I've proposed various ways to improve Valentine's Day, ranging from philosophical love poetry to the disarmament of crazed bow-wielding babies. And admittedly, the holiday has been somewhat improved thanks to love based on the categorical imperative, and the reduction in forces of fat, flying goblin-children with ranged weaponry. But none of my solutions have really solved the root problem, which is that the very existence of Valentine's Day is offensive. Valentine's Day is often abbreviated as V-Day, which should ring a few bells for those of you who were alive in 1945, who live in Rhode Island, or who didn't sleep through history class. On August 15, 1945, World War II ended when Japan surrendered. The day was commemorated as "Victory over Japan Day" (aka "VJ-Day" or "V-Day"), to celebrate our glorious victory. After a few decades, though, the victory looked less glorious. Dropping atomic bombs on people isn't really something to celebrate, so one by one, states stopped celebrating the holiday. The only state left that celebrates V-Day is Rhode Island, because Rhode Islanders are stubborn. (You wouldn't believe how long it took them to sign the Constitution.) The rest of the country feels that the losers in that battle have suffered enough. Well, Valentine's Day rubs unnecessary salt into the wounds of those who have lost the battle of love. I know it's not quite the same, but it is a holiday celebrating a victory that not everyone shares. Those who are single and lonely don't need a special day to point it out to them. They say that love conquers all, but does it have to do a victory dance after the conquering? And maybe those in love are the ones who have been conquered by it, forced into a bizarre restitution plan involving chocolate and stuffed animals. Both V-Day's have caused enough misery. Life is a constant battle, and some people win, and some people lose. The victors (Bravo, Victor!) should feel glad that they have triumphed, but we don't need a national day to remind the losers. Who wants to remember the terrible things looming overhead, weapons like Fat Man and Little Boy, or Little Fat Boy with weapons? No, I say we put an end to it. There are plenty of other letters that deserve a day. We've already used D-Day, but that still leaves two dozen perfectly good possibilities. Here are just a few of the holidays that would be vastly superior to V-Day: Happy L-Day! This celebration has long been overdue, in order to balance out the big No-L celebration at the end of the year. Happy O-Day! No, not the name of an Irish game show host. We need to rediscover the wonderment in the world, and O-Day is a time to greet everything with surprise. Happy A-Day! Everyone in school can get a good grade and feel good about themselves for one day a year. Happy P-Day! It's probably best for everyone if I don't describe this. Happy I-Day! Like a birthday celebration, but you just celebrate being yourself. Unlike your birthday, everyone will remember what day it is, because they're celebrating too. Happy T-Day! Why do people invite each other out for coffee, and not for tea? I've been trying to change this trend, but it would help if I had a country behind me. Happy Y-Day! A much-needed celebration of inquiry and individual thinking. But don't take my word for it.
Lo, a pity it would be if we ignored all of these wonderful potential holidays in favor of a day that celebrates suffering. So let's put an end to V-Day. Write your congressperson, and if you succeed in making it happen, I'll give you a stuffed animal. Well, not a whole one, but a head start. ___________________________________ All work on this page is copyright Seth Brown. If you are sharing it, please give attribution. If you want to reprint it, please contact me first. |